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[18 Jan 2011|03:41pm] |
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So I guess I am ordering some roller skates this weekend...seeing as how I just joined the roller derby. We in Rockland are starting from the ground up. Most of us (myself included) have not roller skated in 10+ years. Leila, Maggie, Hannah, Hayley and I went to Roller World in Topsham last weekend and we did alright...well Leila did great, but who didn't expect that? So this should be interesting.
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[27 Jun 2008|06:17pm] |
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The gray clouds carry a threat of rain. at the same time it is too hot for rain. Everything is dark and quite and lonely. But despite being completely alone (as if I am the only known face in this anonymous world) I feel like something is going to happen. My whole body aches in longing for something new to happen. Today is different. Something is going to happen. Something is going to change. I know this as I know I am but an ant upon this vast universe. I know it the way a body knows to breathe. I just don't know when; today, tonight, tomorrow. Something is already changing, for good or bad or even what, I do not know; just that it is. I sit here wiht Carnage in my lap, and I
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[18 Jun 2008|09:15pm] |
So I absolutely hate my hair. I have like 20 dreadlocks and there is no end in sight. Those 20 have taken a month. I just want it done. I offered to pay Leila, (since she did a large portion of the ones already done. and since she now hates it); but nothing has come of it. If I had less hair I could do it myself, but I don't want to cut it and lose the length. It just sucks.
I need a new job. As I have needed a new job for the past 4 years. I just don't feel very qualified for much of anything. And not being a high shcool graduate doesn't help. I just feel so lame (lame in a very miserable way). But I love that I have a set schedule and vacation/sick time.
My friend Michelle died sometime late last week. She was in Texas jumping trains and somehow she hit her head and her clothes got caught and she was dragged a little. Her great-grandmother (and my friend) Rosalie came into work on Monday to tell me. It feels like I'm in this very bad dream and can't wake up. It doesn't help that I haven't seen her for a few months...kinda feels like she'll show up...she was supposed to be coming back for a visit this summer. She just turned 18 the beginning of March.
At least she died doing what she wanted to do.
And wherever she is I know she'd get a kick out of how she died.
She is the youngest person I have known to die...(it's only ever been my grandparents/great aunts).
She was so young!
I miss her.
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[19 Mar 2008|08:24pm] |
I refuse to listen to Leila about her problems and her counceling. She gets angry when I tell her I don't want to hear about it. I tell her as nicely as I can.
I think this intense hate may have to do with all the years of her very rudely telling me to shut up when I even mentioned how I was really feeling.
I feel mean and angry and sort of justified.
Leila, shut the fuck up...only here will I admit that I just do not want to hear it.
Ever noticed how she usually ends up the victim in most of her life situations?
She wants everyone to rush in and save her...and most people want to too.
all thes years you made me feel like a lying creatin; now you want me to sit by you and give advice and listen to you go on and on. i will not, can not, and refuse to do it. go sell your tears somewhere else.
i think i just may be a hypocrit.
saddens me.
can't help it with her.
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[19 Mar 2008|06:03pm] |
3. User Responsibilities
By consenting to the Agreements, you agree:
(a) To represent only yourself on the Service, and no other persons, living, dead, or imagined; the Service may only be used by natural persons (i.e., individuals) on their own behalf and not by or on behalf of any commercial entity unless explicitly permitted by Borders; and
If you imagine a person and order something for them; isn't it still for you?...Or at least probably still in your possession after you purchase it?
I also like that I am a natural person...well, at least according to Borders; I still think I'm made out of twine and glue.
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[01 Mar 2008|09:45pm] |
I was in a car accident yesterday.
It was the day mum and I were supposed to hang out. I was so worried that the weather was going to fuck up our plans. But it didn't (yay). Yesterdy was the 3 time in like 5 years that I've hung out with my mum outside of her house.
Yesterday was the first time she was ever inside of my apartment...in August I'll have lived here 2 years! She's been in the parking lot next to my building 3-4 times. Only twice was she in the parking lot to pick me/Leila up; the other times was 4 years ago when I lived in the building nest door. She couldn't remember how to get here. Mum called when she was on Limerock Street. I just met her at the library.
We were driving down Broadway and everything just happened so fast...and slow...disjointed. We saw a red car start to drive across Broadway on Talbot. I knew something was wrong about that but; it was weird because I wasn't sure why that was wrong; until my mum slammed on the brakes. My first thought was "FUCK! We're gonna hit that car!" The second thought a split second later (before we even hit the car) was "Oh Shit. I know who that is! Please do not let us hit Barbara! I don't want to deal with that situation!"
So of course we had to hit her. Mum has good reflexes and we weren't going very fast by the time we actually collided, but the impact was still jarring. Mum thinks that had Barbara not hesitated in the middle of the street (when she finally looked in our direction) and had just stomped on the gas we probably would have missed her.
Mum got on the phone with the police and Barbara got out of her car. She must have not put her car in park, or something, her car went rolling like 10-15 feet down Talbot. Mum pulled in behind her to wait for the cops. Mum and Barbara got out of their cars. I got out too, I didn't know what to do...I'd have preferred staying in the car and pretending to be asleep so I wouldn't have to talk to Barbara (but who can honestly sleep through a car accident?).
Barbara was crying because she was rushing of to Knox Care because her husband was dying. They've been married like 50 years and he's got Alzheimers. I felt so bad, but I'm not good in the consolodating department. I just wanted a cigarette, but alas my mum still does not know I smoke...nor would I smoke around her even if she did know.
No one was hurt. I don't think anything even happened to mums car. Barbara's was dented on the passenger side.
Mum and I went out to eat at Three Dogs Cafe. I'm glad she liked it there, it's a very nice place; one of my favorites. Then we went to Maine Sport as planned. She tried on a few pairs of Keens but the arch support didn't hit her foot in the right place (dorky I know, but I'm kinda bummed Keen isn't the brand for her; I think Keens are like heaven for my feet). I didn't find any styles that I liked so we left.
We stopped by Fresh Off the Farm, I got a glutten free brownie mix, and some cheap organic Kiwis. She bought me some Fage yogurt because I'd never had it before. It's fucking awesome! It's from Greece, and it's thicker than normal yogurt, and the single serving size comes with honey, ooohh it's perfect. Then we stopped at Hannafords (it was so cute, mum asked me which grocery store she should go to; even though she prefers Hannahfords....they ARE cheaper).
I asked her to stop at my landlord's on the way back to my house and she did...on the condition that I tell Jim about my forever broken stove...even offered to come in with me; I declined (how weird would that have been? Bringing my mom in with me to pay my rent.).
I am FINALLY getting a new stove! I can cook again! I've actually been missing cooking lately. I want to work on some glutten free recipes and I'd like to flesh out my vegan cooking.
Been arting by myself this evening. I've just finsihed a drawing that I started in January I think. Surprisingly I'm very pleased with how it came out; even though I think my drawings always look sort of juvenille...
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[28 Jan 2008|02:08pm] |
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Sometimes I wish you could feasibly call out mentally sick from work. I can’t call them and say “hey, this is Hope. I won’t be coming in today cause I’d rather die.” Yeah, that’s gonna fly. As it is they never believe what I tell them anyway. I really usually only call out when I am physically sick. Buy yesterday and today it’s totally a lie. I just can’t imagine leaving my house.
The whole world is too big. There’s too much space. Everything has been getting worse. I knew I had reason to be apprehensive when for a while there I was almost cheerful. Things were looking up. If I had been smart I would have just accepted that as a precursor to this maddening downward spiral. That’s how it works. I feel so horrible for so long and then I start getting optimistic and then something happens and I go numb.
I don’t feel much of nothing now. It feels like I’m in a dream. Like I’m just asleep somewhere dreaming about my life. I’ll wake up one of these days and it’ll be two years ago. I won’t know a lot of the people I now know. I won’t have a kitten. I won’t be drawing or painting anymore. I won’t have a computer.
I’ll be sitting here petting Carnage and it’s like I dissociate or something. I’ll be petting him but at the same time it’s not me petting him. It’s like I’m me watching someone else pet him while I watch from inside their eyes. If I blink he’ll be gone. And part of me is relieved by that and part of me is terrified.
But most of all I am so numb. I want to feel something, anything. I feel nothing. Sometimes it’s so bad that I go physically numb. It’s a lot like that head floaty feeling you get when you have a cold. But worse because I can’t shake it. It takes a solid grip on my head and I am lost. It’s so bad on the days that it happens at work. I can’t even think when I’m that numb. It makes me nauseas and the fog in my head really scares me.
It’s odd I have this big bruise on my calf right now that is a deep purple/blue; it was swollen when I first noticed it. A bruise like that you should know where you got it from. Before I would have just said that it had happened while I was drunk because many a time that was the case; but not now. I hardly drink anymore…and it’s been ages since I’ve been that drunk…I don’t think I can even get that drunk anymore.
I don't talk to anyone on the phone, nor do I email anyone; I hardly ever leave my apartment. I go to work, I go out for groceries. I would like to walk; I would like to go for really long walks; but I just can't manage it by myself, and I don't really want to walk with Leila and Ryan right now. I used to walking in at either a high or drunken leisurely pace. I don't naturally walk as fast as I used to, so I don't get to enjoy my walk with them because I'm too busy trying to keep up.
There's so much I want to do. There's so much I'm interested in. I have so many plans a projects in my head. And most of these plans and projects are things I could easily do. They're mainly just art projects. I just can't bring myself to do anything...sometimes I start things or map them out; but I never finish anything.
This is not as introspective as I had planned. Nor as helpful.
so much for writing.
So I called out from work today because I'm tired.
sosososososoososotired.
and i can't sleep
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[11 Nov 2007|08:41am] |
Leila got me a kitten.
I'm not too keen on the idea. I haven't gotten cat yet becuase I don't want the responibility. Or more persicly, I'm not sure if I can handle it. Right now in my life, since nothing is certian I don't want to be resposible for another life. I can barely manage to take care of myself and I'm always short on money.
I honestly do not think I can keep it. Which may or may not upset Chris or Leila. Because Leila got a kitten for herself too. They're twins, she got them from Chris. I haven't named mine yet; nor have I even contemplated a name. Because, once I name it, it's mine. And I take having a pet very seriously, which means I will have said pet until it or I die, that's how it's supposed to be. It's also hard enough looking for apartments but now we'll have to look for ones that allow cats, and that's a hassle.
Plus, no matter how lame it is I still miss Slyvester and I just don't know if I can deal with getting so attached with another cat.
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[04 Nov 2007|10:16pm] |
I bought my first pouch (what have you) of tobacco this evening. It's cheap; I don't want to look for menthol; I don't want to keep shelling out $5-$6 for fucking Salems and/or Kools; and I hope this will help me gradually quit...or at least cut back a lot. Rollies from now on for Hope.
I was never very good at rolling anything cigarette like; but tonight I've gotten pretty adept at it...well, I went from being semi ok to smokable and I think that's pretty fucking awesome for a couple of smokes/hours. We'll see.
But all in all I think this is an improvment for the better.
Definately less (way way way less) chemicals.
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[20 Aug 2007|09:23pm] |
I hardly ever drink on Sundays, but for the stupid reason that I was bored and lonely and had a strong want to get drunk, I did. And I didn't do it the proper way by drinking water between each drink. No, I just gulped it all down and drank a little water at the end of the night and stayed up until like 2:30. I knew things would be going downhill, when I was just starting to fall asleep I needed to puke. I'd not felt naeuous before going to sleep, I hadn't moved my trash can. I grabbed my shirt so I could make a run for the bathroom. I ended up just puking in my shirt, and on part of my blanket, and a little on the bed, and some on the floor. Great fun. It was hot and just nothing but alcohol. Damon laughed at me. I probably would have laughed too, if it had happened to someone else. See, at least I have a sense of humor. I moved my trash can by my bed, and wiped up things as best I could.
But alas, I woke up with a sever headache. But I was still pepared to go to work, and I did; my condition was my own fault and I usually just grit my teeth and get on with my day. I was at work for an hour, and I thought I was going to die. I wanted someone to stab me, thinking the pain in my head would be diverted. Then I started dry heaving which is never good when you work with the public.
So I came home. (which believe it or not makes it only the third time that I have left and/or called out sick from work because of a hangover). I got out my eyepack and laid down on the couch. But Damon came home and decided he was sleepy so we folded out the couch, and slept for 4 hours. It was nice. I had really vivid weird dreams. Damon did too, I think we caused that.
And then Steve came over and Damon and I were just all giggly and and laughing, and we sewed the hole in Steve's pants. I taught Damon how to back-stich, which I'd been meaning to do.
They are now all off in Portland going to a show. I wanted to go but I don't really have to money and I needed to do laundry; plus I don't do much when I leave work. Because I feel bad and believe that if you call out/leave because you are sick you should stay home, where you should be when you are sick, no matter if you feel better later not. (thanks mum)
I just hope they don't treat me like shit tomorrow. I like that Steve works there now. It's always good to have a friend around. Even if I've only really recently started hanging out with him...and since I'm so weird and fucked up I barely talk to him at work. ha.
The Good Tern is hiring and I'm trying to pretend I have courage and go and get an application. It would be cool working in a health food store; especailly one I can walk too. Fresh Off The Farm is hiring too, and I know it's not that far (a few minutes more than I already drive to work) I really don't want to drive that far.
We'll see how my fake courage works out.
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[07 Aug 2007|07:13pm] |
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So apparently Ryan and I are no longer friends?
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[03 Aug 2007|06:04pm] |
Last night Leila, Maggie and I jumped the fence to the Lobster Festival so we could go see the Rustic Overtones. I am so happy they are back together.
I danced! NO! I really really danced! I never dance. I wasn't even drunk. Just at a cheerful level.
It was great I cleared like a five foot area around me. I kept elbowing people; at first I was apologizing, but then, hardly anyone was dancing, even like moving at all. Dave, Issac, Leila, Maggie and I seemed to be the only ones in our area. I think there were a few people dancing in the front...but I do mean a few. I had a blast though. Maggie and left the crowd cause we wanted to smoke (we can't be called inconsiderate); and I ended up dancing by the cops. They probably thought I was really drunk, but I was dancing very enthusiastically on a hill and because of the hill I sort of kept stumbling. People were making fun of me and mocking me, but I didn't care.
Afterward when Maggie and I were trying to find Leila and Issac, (I was very wound up, hot, a little tipsy, and very very dehydrated) I was yelling "I can't believe it was Rustic and none of the fucktards were dancing! No one even knows who they are! No one apperciates awesomeness of this night! All these fucking idiots think they're soooo cool, but they weren't even dancing!"
I guess everyone was lucky that it was loud there and that since I'd been singing and cheering and screaming all night that my voice was hoarse so it wasn't very loud.
But I was so dehydrated. No one would give my any water! Fuck! It comes from the earth, you shouldn't have to pay for water. I just wanted a cup. We were heading back to the house and I was just going to drink water until I burst. But Mark picked us up on Main St. and they all wanted him to take us swimming. We did stop at the spring, but I only had 2 small water bottles which was not enough.
I ended up getting a very horrible cluster headache last night. It was so bad the it was making me sick. I just properly get re-hydrated. It hurt so bad I was worried that I might have needed to be taken to the hospital. I laid on the bathroom floor (it was cold which was nice) with a towel over my face while Damon kindly went to Mainway to get me some tylenol pm at 2 a.m. I eventually managed to fall asleep and when I woke up this morning I was fine.
I hate weather this hot and humid.
Today we took it easy. Maggie, Damon and I got lunch at the Brown Bag and ate down at the breakwater. I've been drinking lots of water today. It's just so hot it makes me not feel very well.
Isaac wants to drink tonight, but I'm not, Damon isn't, Leila is not, and Maggie doesn't really feel like it but she may. I think we should find somewhere to buy some pot and just get really high, grab some bottles of water and just wander the streets.
Yard sale tomorrow.
I probably going to try and sell most of my vhs' and I going to try sell some books. Maybe I can cut the oddly sentimental strings to some of my other crap and sell it too. Kitty is putting a maniquen in Leila's yard sale. I WANT IT! It's vintage; just a bust, and the way it's made-up it looks kind of gothic.
I am sadly aiming to buy it. Kitty and Leila are going to talk about a price for it tonight. I suggested (completely honestly having nothing to do with my interest) she try for $20-$25 for it. Because Bonnie got me Jackie for $45, and Jackie hasa complete torso, her original wig, and she had the arms with her but they got lost on transport to me.
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[27 Jul 2007|07:27pm] |
The question is:
What the fuck is Leila doing with a London After Midnight video?! She says it's hers because she remembers how mad I got when she bought it. She doesn't even fucking know who they are!
I'm sitting here as she goes through the bottom shelf on her book shelf. Funny how she started putting my books there on Limerock, and has continued to do so when I leave them around. And now she's saying most of the books on that shelf are hers. You try fighting over a book or movie with her. She just tried to claim Breakfast at Pluto, a dvd I distinctly remember buying when Main Screen closed...I won that one, just because I am POSITIVE about that.
Oh, great, now I get to fight over my Banana Yoshomoto book....
maybe I should just secretly start stealing HER stuff...
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[25 Jul 2007|05:26pm] |
You know I'm drunk when I start playing show and tell.
Oh no! I always have something beter.
Look at my knives! And weapons! And! Ooops! Whilst showing you my riding crop I hit you pretty hard with it. It kind of just happened. I swear it was not meant with any intent. No thought crossed my mind. I just...umm...hit you. heh.
lalalalala
Hope is weird.
andiwanttobeadifferentperson
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[15 Jul 2007|11:52pm] |
Today day at work this guy from CT was in and he wanted a paper that had stuff about our Goodwill, because he really loves his GW and thought that it would be cool to bring something back about the Maine GW. And then he asked me if I'd gone to the Blues Festival. I told him I just couldn't justify paying to hear music I can hear from my house. (I decided going to the Pub Crawl was not the same as GOING to the festival). Turns out the people his family is staying with is just a few streets away from mine. I think it's funny how in smaller towns (from anywhere, really if you're talking to an out-of-stater) people 'from away' expect you to know whom ever it is they know. I told him I lived on Union Street, near the corner of Limerock; his response 'oh, you live right by the hills.' I thought he was talking about a street (I don't know all their names) but yeah, he meant people. They live like 3-4 streets away. Sure you may get to know your neighbors around here, but there really isn't much for neighborhoods.
When our conversation was ending he asked me my name. I don't know I was feeling weird today. 'I'm Hope, Hope Percy.' I never say it so formally, or adult like, even when I'm talking to people older than me.
'Hope? I like that. It's a good name. And Hope Percy? You can't get a better blues name than that.'
That made me happy. I love the blues. I know I can't sing (my voice will never find it's way infront of an audience to say the least) but I would have loved to have been a blues singer. But then, I like male blues singers the best, for the most part. I'm not sure how I'd want to sound.
Anyways, it made me happy; especially considering how many years it took me to accept my name let alone how many many years it took for me to like it.
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[09 Jul 2007|10:02pm] |
So Goodwill has decided to up their starting pay because of the cost of living. New hires will no be paid $7.50. They were not going to change anyone else's pay except Lorriane (she no matter how miserabe it is to WORK with her; she really does fight for her employees) and a few other managers objected and fought for their other employees pay to go up...even though they had no day in how much.
this is how it was broken down:
and employee making:
7-7.25------>7.50
7.26-7.50------>7.60
7.51-7 something---->7.80
the rest does not matter.
I was hoping and wishing and thought I made 7.51; I do not. I make 7.50; thereofore I will now be going up to $7.60 an hour. I have been working there for 5.5 years; I will now be being paid 10cents more than someone who is hired tomorrow. The first 2 years they fucked me out of a raise and I am now going to be paid 10 CENTS more than a new hire!
Thanks Goodwill.
Yes, I know everyone tells me to get a new job and that Goodwill is bellow me. But what if they're not? I do not believe myself worthy of a better job. What if I cannot handle it. What if they ask me about my schooling? I do not even know where to go to get my GED. I know I am smarter than your average high school graduate, but I cannot prove it.
I'm just not worth it. Nor, do I think I can handle it.
This 'cost of living' raise will not affect our raises. We used to get our raises in July; but now we are not scheduled for them until October apperently. But this year Lorriane gets a lump sum and she gets to allot the money to people how she feels is appropriate. Let's see how she feels about me. I don't think they realize how much I do for them.
I am not worth it.
I'll give up.
blah! blah! Blah!
fuck it all to hell.
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[07 Jul 2007|11:18am] |
I wish I had a pair of headphones.
Music would have been nice to bring along with me today.
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[03 Jul 2007|09:21pm] |
They say money is god
no wonder I'm an Athiest.
I'm so bad with money. I just wish it didn't exist. In a perfect world I'd be dealing in bartering and trades only.
I partly never have money because I like to spend it. I am very generous. I spend a lot of money on other people. But it's not large sums so I never really care or pay attention until I don't have anymore.
I was doing o.k. this month. This last pay check went to all my bills so I knew I wouldn't have that much money, but I was going to have like $80 left over. But then I went and spent over $100 to and from Boston. Mostly on gas, and tolls. So now there is $3 in my checking. I'm not sure how that is because I should have like $27 and I haven't used my debit card for a while now.
Fuck it all.
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[02 Jul 2007|10:22pm] |
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Maybe someday I'll grow up?
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[01 Jul 2007|10:56pm] |
Cat Power is going to be in Boston next Sunday.
Bumming.
I wish it was easier to get time off...better yet I wish I had the whole weekend off.
But alas, I do not.
I shall see her eventually.
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